


All of You

by angelxtal



Category: Law & Order, Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Break Up, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Getting Back Together, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-14
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2019-08-23 09:36:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16616459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelxtal/pseuds/angelxtal
Summary: Olivia and Amanda had agreed to be nothing more tan friends with benefits, but it’s just too hard for Olivia to see her with other people when the sun comes up.





	All of You

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this and you want to read more, you can find me on [tumblr](http://starkmarks.tumblr.com/) or on [wattpad](https://www.wattpad.com/user/admxtal).

Nothing mattered more to Olivia than work. It gave her something to focus on, something to get consumed in. She was completely devoted; it took up almost all of her time. So, when something decided to so recklessly barge into her life and scream at her until she couldn’t pay attention to her cases, she would do anything to get rid of it. Absolutely nothing irked her more than a little subconscious blink of  _look over here, pay attention to me instead!_ in the back of her mind.

Amanda Rollins was a walking, talking  _look over here_ message.

On a Wednesday night, a time which was not supposed to be particularly special, Amanda walked in just as she normally would. It was not strange to see a coworker entering the office to pick up something on their way out, but Olivia put her file down on her desk and looked up, abandoning her previous thoughts on who the perp could be. Because the blonde woman’s hair was twisted up on the back of her head, pins holding it in place, her lips filled in red. She looked stunning, like a diamond in the rough as she walked past the dusty filing cabinets and tired detectives.

The sight, while it did make her heart beat faster, brought a sinking sense of dread to Olivia’s chest, because she knew what this meant. Date night.

It was unavoidable, of course. Because Amanda and Olivia were nothing even close to a couple, Amanda went on dates and Olivia worked. But that didn’t mean that Olivia had to like it. Every time that she saw Amanda heading out, it shook her to her core. Each and every time she berated herself for thinking such childish, possessive thoughts, but she couldn’t help it.

Olivia abandoned all thought of the case and listened to Amanda walk over to Fin so that she could hear his reaction to the dress which he had helped her pick out. That is, of course, he had said “damn” at the red one, so she chose it.

“Got a date tonight?” Fin asked, leaning back in his chair and chuckling. “Last I checked, it was a Wednesday.”

Amanda rolled her eyes and walked over to her desk, picking up her keys in her manicured hand. She thought nothing of the exchange, and clearly didn’t see Olivia staring all the while from her office window. “Yeah, yeah. I figured, why not? No one said it had to be a Friday night just to go out.” Amanda responded flippantly, smiling at her friend’s teasing. “You staying here all night, huh?”

Striding past with purpose, appearing to be on his way to something important, Amaro stopped in his tracks. “Oooh. Who’s the lucky lady?”

“No one you know.” Amanda mused. “A friend of a friend is all.” With that, she put her keys into her purse, looked at her lip gloss in her phone camera and walked out.

Olivia did nothing, and she hated herself for it. She found herself…not necessarily angry, but  _bothered_. 

The next day, when Amanda walked past, smiling too happily, Olivia frowned. Because who was the one making her smile? What had she done last night? Was she safe? Was she having fun? It…Olivia didn’t  _not_  want her to have fun, she just didn’t want her to have fun with anyone else. The way that she looked with her smile so big and her cheeks blushing after being barraged by another detective about how it had gone last night made something burn inside of Olivia.

What was wrong with her? Sure, the two were friends and supposedly nothing more, and Olivia wasn’t about to get down on a knee and propose, but did Amanda really need to be going out every night? She just…she looked so content with herself and despite the fact that Olivia wanted that for her, she was still bothered. There was something not right about it. Since when had she become annoyed at her friends having fun? The last time she’d felt like this, wanting to scurry out of the room like a shameful beetle each time a woman was around, that was in college when she had first discovered her affinity for women. That was with her first and last formal girlfriend. Why did she feel the same was for Amanda, who was supposed to be nothing more than an every-other-Saturday-night fling?

And…this…seeing Amanda go out didn’t bother Olivia in a sort of brash, possessive way. Instead, it  _hurt_. It actually, physically hurt to see her go out and have fun while Olivia stood and watched from afar, too scared to get involved but too enamored with her to not observe.

Towards lunch, as they were headed back from the home of a suspected Senator they were interviewing, Amanda casually turned to her and smiled. “Are you busy on Friday? It’s gonna be so busy everywhere else, I figured it’d be better if I could, you know, stay in.” The sentence was simple and innocent, but the fact that it was even uttered was enough to drive Olivia insane.

So, because busy places were a pain, Amanda wanted to stay in. That’s not to say that Olivia and she should stay in instead of going out together, but that she didn’t want to have to go out--which would mean not going somewhere with Olivia--and would rather stay in, which, by default, Olivia had to do. Because, simply put, being with Olivia meant hiding inside, having casual days together, nothing but sex. Right.

She cleared her throat. “Um, I think I’ll be busy. Next week, though.”

But, of course, the next week came and there was nothing. The discomfort built up in Olivia’s spine. It became, truly, a distraction. It was like her body was becoming drained of all energy, but filled with pure adrenaline. Each time she looked at Amanda her heart did a little  _thing_  which she couldn’t identify, but she just wanted to go home and sleep. She wanted to be alone with her thoughts, not standing in front of the one-sided glass of the interrogation. Especially not listening to the mistress of a no-good Senator.

The mistress, a tall Paraguayan woman standing at about five feet and six inches tall, matched the description of the witness perfectly. She was seen fleeing the building where her boyfriend, a married Senator from Ohio, was attacking a waitress. She would be the only one who could place him at the scene of the crime, but apparently in this case, love was stronger than her moral compass.

“You don’t understand,” she told Fin, who was standing looking bored in the corner of the room, “he is innocent. I know he is. And-and I’m not saying otherwise! How could I? He is going to be my husband; we are going to be partners in life. We already are, besides the rings,” she muttered, quieter, and then released a sigh. Her deep-set eyes were bloodshot and exhausted. They only had to go so much longer before she would break. They were confident.

“Do you know that your partner was the one who assaulted a twenty-two-year-old woman?” Fin asked her, unamused.

“He…I not saying anything. I love Roger. He’s good man, no matter what happened that night.” She insisted, accent getting thicker as she became more desperate. “Would you betray the one you love, Detective? Is there not someone who matters more than what the police want from you? He is innocent. And either way, you won’t hearing from me. He is my fiancé, and I not saying anything.” With finality, she crossed her arms and turned her head to the side, showing that from then on she was going to offer no information on the case of Roger the Senator who attacked a young woman. In this case, her twisted love covered any need for justice, any need for solidarity between women. And for what? He wasn’t going to marry her; they all knew that. He was still one room over claiming not to know her.

Was this what Olivia was so caught up with? Feeling…feeling a tentative love for someone who was, like this Senator, an unrealistic goal? Amanda had it all figured out. She was out with everyone, she had her life together and her priorities straight. She had date nights and  _who’s the lucky lady?_ while Olivia still made them hide in her apartment each time they were alone together for a night. This was a relationship--no, an  _arrangement_ \--which was not meant to last. So why had Olivia let it get this far? Why had it been two years since they had first started seeing each other?

She…she couldn’t let it keep going like this. She had to break it off. If this never ended, then how were these feelings supposed to stop?

Olivia looked at the woman behind the glass. Her mascara was smeared across her face from crying and her shirt was torn from trying to run away from the men who apprehended her. Was this what Olivia wanted to turn into? Someone hopelessly in love with a person whose life didn’t fit with her own? No. She…she had to break it off.

* * *

 

This would be the last time. The very last time. Olivia would make sure of it.

As they fumbled in the dark, nails working at the buttons on each other’s shirts, opening them to reveal soft skin and heaving chests, Olivia decided it would be the last time. After this, they were going to break if off. For sure, she was going to end it.

Amanda’s mouth worked at the side of her neck, daringly sucking for just long enough to give the impression of  _mine_ , but not long enough to truly leave a mark. Yes, this needed to end. Amanda deserved to be with someone who she could actually leave a mark on, someone who was free to do as they pleased in public. That was not Olivia.

“Ah,” she breathed, lifting her head to the ceiling of her office. But it was so, so nice…

There was no one else here, she was sure, but the blinds were down and the door was locked shut. She dampened her noises of pleasure and resorted to entangling her fingers in Amanda’s hair instead. Amanda deserved to be able to not care about the blinds, not care about someone asking  _so what were you two up to last night?_ when they found out the both of them were staying late in the office. She deserved to just be able to smirk each time someone asked what the banging on the wall was, not make up a story about moving furniture.

On the edge of her desk, in the darkness of the room--another side effect of her paranoia--Olivia bumped into a container of pencils, which was sent falling to the floor with a terrifyingly loud  _clang_ , making them both jump in fear. It had been so quiet before, with just the sounds of old office pipes surrounding them.

“Oh,” Amanda laughed. “That scared me,” for a moment she lifted her head out from between Olivia’s legs to glance at the yellow sticks on splayed across the floorboard. One glance into Amanda’s eyes and Olivia was pulling away. The curtain had lifted and Olivia could no longer avoid her intrusive thoughts about how it was wrong.

Pressure was still built up in her stomach, and though they had really just started and she was eager to keep going, she had to stop. Shame overpowered her need for release. She had to stop; she need to stop this now. “You don’t have to pick them up now, you know,” the blonde woman said, but stopped once she saw Olivia pulling her panties over her legs. “Uh, what’re you doing?”

“I,” Olivia struggled as she tried to put on the minimum amount of clothing required to be worn during a break up. “I’m sorry. I just can’t do this.” _I can’t look at you and see someone who doesn’t feel the same; I can’t look at you and see someone who will be hurt when I give a half-assed excuse about why we should stop; I can’t look at you and see someone who actually might not care at all._

She couldn’t just go for one last time while knowing that they were going to end tonight. It felt…it felt like manipulation, doing this and planning for it to stop at the same time. It felt wrong. What they had, even though she knew it shouldn’t feel this way to her, seemed sacred. It seemed untainted by the problems of the world. Each time they rushed into a dark room together, all of their issues melted away. How could she bring them into here after cherishing what they had for so long? How could she have their last time be rushed and emotionless, just like all the others? What…what she wanted, she wasn’t going to get. She shouldn’t try and built it up in her imagination. They were friends with benefits and nothing more.

“What do you mean?” Amanda asked, coming to her knees shakily. “What’s wrong?” Had she done something wrong? Did the cup falling really scare Olivia that much? Or maybe she noticed a notification on her phone about a case-

“We-we have to stop this, Amanda.” The words gushed out in a fashion very un-like her. She was normally not one to act without thinking, to ruin something that was, objectively, perfectly fine. But this was not about pros and cons, about the physical benefits. This was a decision made purely out of emotion. “We have to stop.”

Amanda huffed out a laugh and took a step back. “What? What do you mean?” This all seemed uncharacteristically dramatic.

Her casual voice shot pangs of sadness through Olivia. Because, yes, this was not a big deal. This was something to ask about in a few words. Why was Olivia prepared to make some speech as to why they should stop? She didn’t need to. Amanda would accept some lame excuse because it didn’t matter anymore than that, did it?

Shadows fell in rows over Olivia’s face, but they didn’t black out the look of discomfort written all over it. “I mean, I think we should stop…seeing each other.” Is that what they were doing? Seeing each other? They hardly could see a foot in front of them in an office like this, all dark and shameful. Olivia mentally berated herself.

The blond woman’s brain stalled. “Wh…what’s this about? I mean, I knew you were acting weird all week. I didn’t think-“  _didn’t think what? That you wanted to break up?_  They weren’t not dating. They weren’t…Olivia wasn’t even out yet.

“No, I just. I’ve been really busy lately. I’ve been stressed and I don’t think that this has been helping. This case has everyone all over me and think that I should just take a minute to step back.” This was the first thing she said like she was sure of it, like it was some sort of every-day cancelling of plans.

Amanda was dumbfounded. Oh? So…just like that? She just needed some space? They’d been through hard cases before. Many times, actually. What was her problem? It wasn’t like this case was any different. Was…was this just a nice way of letter her down? Saying that Olivia just wasn’t into it anymore? Either way…Olivia was staring at her like she was naked in her office and she should leave, like most of those dates she’d gone on with women who didn’t want the same thing as her. Amanda was familiar with that look.

“You know, things can still be normal, I just don’t think we should do this. I shouldn’t have tonight; I’m too busy,” Olivia said, voice just a little too shaky.

All that Amanda could do was say okay and gather her things, leaving in a flustered rush.

* * *

 

Last night was humiliating. When was the last time Amanda had been broken up with in the middle of sex? Never, actually. Most people had had the decency of knowing to at least wait until after. But to literally take a step back and break it off right then and there? No one had done that. So why, of all people, had sensible, mature Olivia Benson done that? What on earth had driven her to act so out-of-character?

Walking into the office the next morning, clothes on and looking put-together just to make a point that she wasn’t shaken, Amanda peered around each corner she turned, looking for a flash of brown hair or the tell-tale sounds of Olivia’s clicking boots. Nothing. Fin was sitting at his desk drinking from a plastic water bottle and frowning as he ate a disappointing bagel. He looked over at the woman curiously. “You lookin’ for someone?” He asked, watching her glance all around her.

“Huh? Oh, no.” She lied, setting her leather bag down beside her at her desk. Whatever. So, Olivia wasn’t here. That usually wouldn’t be something so suspicious. She’d ask why over lunch and Olivia would tell her she had a dentist appointment. That would be it. So why did it feel so wrong today? Why….why was Amanda even looking for her? It’s not that big a deal; Olivia has a lot to deal with so she’s probably out working on a lead.

Yes. The Senator’s case. That was what she needed to focus on. “Who’re we looking at as another witness? There were dozens of people at the hotel; the mistress, Sarah, just won’t admit to it. Have we found anyone else?” She asked her partner. So far, as the case started four days ago, she had mostly been checking alibis and looking into what character witnesses the Senator was going to bring in. They were all, like him, slimy men of prestigious backgrounds and false character.

“Yeah. The sister. She called him three times that night looking for him. Last text said she was gonna come get him herself. We think that’s what she did. There’s been no sign of her in the past few days.”

Amanda frowned. That was strange. Witness something, then run into deep cover? It didn’t seem likely. “I’ll talk to the parents, find more about their relationship.” She decided. “If they didn’t get along too well, she might be willing to help, but she might cover for him like the mistress.”

“If we can even find her.”

With a sigh, she turned her computer on, listening to the whirr of the old machine, and stretched her fingers. They were stiff from coming home and immediately drinking until she fell asleep. What else does one do when they have a not-quite breakup but not quite casual-ending of relationship?

At once, she found the parents’ number and made her way out of the office. She wasn’t going to care about whether Olivia came back while she was gone, or that they missed each other during their one opportunity to talk in daylight. She wasn’t concerned with that today. It was all about finding the Senator’s sister.

* * *

 

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?” Fin asked, swiveling his chair around to see the computer screen.

“The parents said that the sister was strong-headed and so was Roger. They butted heads but they loved each other. No one’s heard from her since the night of the attack.” She gestured to the list of commands made by her cellphone the hour of the crime. Last one, seventeen minutes after the approximate time of the attack. Since then, there was nothing. “What do you think?”

“You think she saw it and he, what, killed her? His own sister?” Fin pondered. “It seems kind of-Oh. Olivia, we haven’t found any sign of the sister. Last cell phone activity? Seventeen minutes after the attack. Since then, nothing.” Fin called.

Across the room was Olivia, walking in looking as perfect as ever, hair curled beautifully and eyes intelligent. She walked behind Fin, sparing Amanda--who was watching her the whole time--no glance, and bent down to see the computer screen as well. “We finally got the security footage back;” it had taken far too long because of the bureaucratic tape, “and it’s been scrubbed clean. Nothing for the whole five hour period. We can only prove that he was there by his cellphone, but he could’ve been in a whole different part of the building as Sarah. At this point, we just have the DNA under her fingernails and they could argue a million different things with that.”

The way that she spoke was with the usual decisiveness which had first captured Amanda’s attention two years ago. It was what drove her to take the risk of pressing her lips onto Olivia’s in that bar, piano music played by a drunk man in the background. Even back then, it had never been a perfect picture, but Amanda always looked forward to their time together. Was she alone in that sentiment? Did Olivia really not even care that they’d just ended things last night? The woman didn’t even look at her now, as they were going over the case. Well…

Was this going back to things as they were? Amanda couldn’t even remember before they were seeing one another; it was so long ago. Was Olivia usually so work-oriented? Amanda didn’t think so. But perhaps…perhaps she’d been treated differently after they got together.

“-good plan. You and Amanda go do that. Nick, you’re with me. We’re going to go get the parents on our side.” Olivia said, getting to her feet without trouble. She didn’t even look at Amanda as she said her name. Had she always sounded so cold? And, oh. Oops. Amanda hadn’t even heard the plan.

Fin grabbed his jacket off the back of his seat and looked at his partner expectantly. “Let’s go.” Not sure what they were doing, she fumbled for her badge and gun and followed after him. On the street, he glanced over at him. “You two argue or something?”

“Huh?”

“You and Benson. She didn’t even look at you.” He said.

She averted her eyes and busied herself with fixing her hair, which had gotten stuck underneath her coat. “Oh. No. I think she’s just busy.”  _Too busy to spend time with me, I guess._

Fin nodded knowingly, but he didn’t know. “Yeah. ‘s moments like these that I’m glad I’m not the Sargent. Whole government’s gonna be breathin’ down her neck for the next month.” He muttered. “Now, lets go tell those parents that their son is awful.”

* * *

 

In the following days, confusion turned to frustration in Amanda’s mind. Olivia was acting strangely and Amanda knew it. Something was off. Like she was…angry or upset. As Amanda watched the woman interact with everyone but her, she realized what it was. Olivia was avoiding her! It wasn’t work or the Senator’s office always pulling them away from one another each time that Amanda tried to talk to her. It was Olivia herself. She was really avoiding her.

Were they children? Was Olivia really going to be so childish as to actually walk the other way rather than facing this, as they said they would? Avoiding someone only days before saying  _to their face_ that everything was going to continue as normal was incredibly immature, especially for someone as sophisticated as Olivia. They were grown women! They were not kids arguing on the playground about who was going to be the one to be it in tag; they were two adults who decided to end a relationship! And, one that Olivia didn’t even want anymore! Amanda hadn’t done anything wrong, and it was unfair for Olivia to act like she was the bad guy, the one to avoid.

At the end of the day, after watching Olivia discreetly walk out of rooms each time Amanda entered, the blonde woman forced herself to her feet and walked over to the Sargent’s office. In her hands was a manila envelope encasing important files, but that was not what she was there to talk about. The paper was so that she would have something to hold on to, so that she wouldn’t fight. She was determined not to show any emotion, now to show that Olivia’s cold shoulder was hurting her.

She was going to march in there, and they were going to talk this out like adults.

“Hey, do you have a minute?” She started, watching the other woman standing at her window, waiting to get off hold on the phone.

Olivia smiled, a little too forced. “I think I’ve got a few years. I’ve been on the phone with the Senator’s office for an hour.” She said. “What do you need? Did the sister finally come in to talk?”

“No, no,” Amanda took a step further into the office and closed the door behind her. The sound of the door hitting the wooden frame brought unwelcome memories of rushed hands and sweet words to her mind. No, she was not here to think about that, about how she wanted it. The woman eyed the closed door emotionlessly and Amanda couldn’t help but to wonder if it was because she wanted it open, or wanted things to be like they were the last time they were in here alone. “I just wanted to check on you,” she continued before she could say anything she’d regret, “you seemed a little weird today.”

Finally, Olivia looked up from the chunky black phone on her desk. “How so?” The expression on her face should have been illegal. It appeared as if she really didn’t have anything to say, as if everything seemed perfectly normal to her. But that was not true. Amanda knew that Olivia had to be avoiding her.

…right?

“Well, I don’t know. You just…you seemed like you were avoiding me. Is everything okay between you and me?”

Something worked behind Olivia’s eyes, but it was quickly shoved back. “Yeah, of course.” Her voice was too sure, too solid. “I’ve just been really busy; the state’s all over me for this case.” That part was true, but that was to be expected. The calling politicians and concerned citizens were nothing that she hadn’t dealt with before and were no real excuse for her having closed herself off in her office all day. But she wouldn’t admit any of that allowed, because things were going to get better. Eventually, it would stop feeling so awkward around them. Olivia could push these stupid feelings down, she just needed to get a grip on herself.

“Everything’s fine.”

* * *

 

After that exchange, Amanda was incredulous. The two hadn’t been necessarily close, but they’d spent so much time together in the last few years! That had to mean something! For Olivia to stop answering her non-work-related texts, to stop acknowledging her existence, was frankly insulting. How dare Olivia make it seem like she was the one who was acting wrong? How dare she act like they were nothing more than coworkers?

That wasn’t what they’d agree to. Even in that painfully short exchange that ended their meetings, they hadn’t said that was how it’d be. Yes, they agreed things should go back to normal, like nothing ever happened, but they said they’d be friends. They said they’d be amicable, at least. This was not amicable. Staying in her office, discussing nothing more than cases and interacting no more than absolutely necessary was not amicable.

For Olivia to act like this just put a pit in her stomach. And God, did that pit weigh tons.

And…Olivia had talked so flippantly when she said she was busy, giving her a strange look as to say  _why are you asking, didn’t we clear this up?_ How did she have the audacity to try and make Amanda feel like she was the one being strange? How could she try and flip like that? Amanda deserved better than that and they both knew it. So, a double-cold-shoulder war began.

The two didn’t say anything more than they had to. They worked, worked, and worked. Amanda went on dates purely out of spite and Olivia spent more time in her office just to prove the point that she was, indeed, busy.

Guilt was tugging at Olivia’s heartstrings, but the hurt outweighed it. Yes, she owed Amanda a real explanation, but what good would that do? Truly, how would it help to just further complicate things? She would rather be the bad guy, the one with the lame excuses and the selfish behavior than be the one to completely destroy every aspect of their relationship. Sure, the office was tense right now between the two of them, but they were still capable of working together. What would happen if every time they looked at one another they saw that Olivia loved her, and she didn’t love Olivia back? Would that not be worse?

And, despite their best efforts, Fin was catching on. They hated him for it--both of them--but there was nothing that they could do about it. He was watching every time that they stole a glance at one another when the other wasn’t looking, and he was watching each time that one left when the other walked in. Never, in their whole time working together since the fight began, did they make eye-contact for more than a split second, more than enough to be socially acceptable.

What was this about, he wondered. Did they fight? Argue? Were they disagreeing on a case, did one run over another’s puppy? That’s what they were acting like! They were acting like a couple of discontent teenagers, complaining with their eyes rather than their mouths. He absolutely couldn’t stand it. So, one night, he knew what he had to do.

“Whatever they’re fighting about, they’re not going to confront one another. We need to force them to do it.” He said to Nick, who was standing with him outside the building during their break. 

Hand on his hip, shaking his head at the very prospect of intervening in anything between the two women, Nick interrupted. “It’s not really our business. Don’t you think we should-“

“I think that I want to be able to stand by the coffee machine and not get in the middle of a passive aggressive fight! You know I hate that shit. They have to talk to one another, but they refuse to. If they’re the only ones here, and they have to collaborate, then they have to get past their differences and suck it up! Just say you have a date with your wife tonight. That’s it. Then they’ll have to-“

“That’s an awful excuse. We haven’t been on a date in-“

“and, see, wouldn’t you like to mention that in the office? To your friends? Without feeling the frustration coming off of them? They probably wouldn’t even know that you and she are having problems, they’ve been so caught up with each other. We need things to go back to normal! Just say that you’re busy, I’ll say that I’m busy. That’s that. By the next day, everything will be better.”

He stared Amaro in the eye and watched the man go through all of the usual emotions. The  _this is reckless and stupid_ and _this is the kind of thing I get yelled at for_  and  _but I do want to get coffee in peace_  and _it would be nice to have things go back to normal_. With a sigh, he shook his head. “Fine. But if they find out we weren’t actually busy, I was hiding that I’m a double murderer and you were slacking off. I’d rather face punishment for killing than getting in the middle of their fight.”

* * *

 

“You have tickets to the opera? You?” Amanda said, incredulous. “Since when did you like the opera?”

“My girl likes it. Besides, I can be sophisticated. Either way, I can’t tonight. You and Rollins can stay here and go through the files. Nick and I both have plans.” He hoped that they wouldn’t ask what Amaro’s plans were, because really the date night excuse did seem unrealistic. Olivia and Amanda probably weren’t that clueless as to his issues. “Will you be able to stay?”

Amanda sighed. This was just her luck, wasn’t it? Olivia was probably going to stay holed up in that damned office the whole time, anyway, addressing her only as a Sargent to a Detective. This was just going to be one more humiliation on top of all the others. How could Olivia be completely unbothered by this? And how could Fin’s girlfriend have talked him into the opera?

“Fine. Olivia doesn’t have to stay; I’ll just go through them-“

“What? No, no. We need this done. If I were able to, I’d stay too, but I can’t. We need you two to work together on this, no matter what’s going on.” He said, voice halfway between pleading and irritated. “Just one night, okay? You two can go back to your apartment, drink some wine and go over the files. That’s it. Can’t you do that for me, partner?”

She soured. Going back to her apartment? No way was she inviting Olivia back there. And she hated it when he called her  _partner,_ referring to their oh so sacred relationship and how he’s done so much for her. He was truly guilting her into it! “Whatever. She’ll probably already be working late, anyway.”

He grinned. “That’s the spirit.”

It took a few more hours of her filling out paperwork on her computer for Olivia to finally come out of her office, like a turtle from its shell. God, how weak was she? Hiding from her problems? 

Amanda frowned. She wasn’t so used to having aggressive thoughts, but apparently this fight with Olivia really did it. She almost,  _almost_  felt bad about it.

Stepping across the wooden floors, shoes clicking beneath her, Olivia peeked her head overtop of Amanda’s computer screen. “Fin said you thought we should go to your place and go through the files?”

She frowned. Would it be rude to say that no, they should go to Olivia’s place instead? Maybe if this were a few weeks ago and they were on amicable terms--or more than amicable--she would’ve suggested it, but now it would be invasive and strange. Plus, who knew what  _let’s go back to your place_ entailed at this point? Maybe Olivia would do a complete one-eighty again and just go back to how things were? That seemed to be her specialty, nice to cold, cold to rude.

God, her thoughts had become aggressive. When had her feelings gone from confused to frustrated to hurt to angry? She hadn’t seen that coming.

“Yeah. It’ll be the fastest way to get it done.” That was true. Amanda worked best back in her apartment, with the soft rug and her favorite couch. Besides, they hadn’t had sex there in a while. It’d be the least tainted setting they could be at. And Amanda really needed to get this over with.

They didn’t go to her apartment at the same time, thank god. As the blonde Detective pressed her key into the door and turned, she couldn’t imagine having Olivia standing behind her as she did it. That would be entirely too distracting. No. This way was better. Now, Amanda could take a minute to shower, pour some sodas--the least appealing and least romantic drink she had in her apartment--and sit down at the brightly-lit kitchen table, where there was no room for feelings or private moments, because the huge windows were just yards away, in the living room, exposing them to the world. Like this, what could go wrong?

Olivia arrived at nine, and Amanda had already gotten started going through the files. They were set out in stacks which from an outside point of view would look unorganized, but she knew what each pile was for. Their goal was to go through previous complaints made to the Senator’s office and transcripts of voicemails left on the mistresses’ machine. All that they knew at this point was that the Senator’s mistress and his victim were in the same building at the same time, while the sister was there as well. All they needed to know was what was what brought the two women there at the same time that the Senator was attacking someone.

“Maybe the mistress found out that he was married, tried to call his wife to out him, but found the sister’s number instead? Same last name, English isn’t her first language. It would be an easy mistake if she never saw that they looked alike.” Olivia said, trying to come up with something which she might normally say if they weren’t sitting in room where the tension was thick enough that she was sure she could cut it with a knife.

Most of the transcripts of messages were useless.

> **_September 14th, 6:39pm._ **
> 
> _Do you owe Debt to the IRS? We can help..._

“How would she even find her number? She’s also influential, and not the kind of person you can call on up.” Amanda offered. “It’s possible that they were just both looking for him at the moment.”

“What are the chances of that?”

“Who knows? There are plenty of things that people shouldn’t do, but they still keep going.” Like someone breaking up with her while they were having sex. Or someone having sex with her while they were planning to break up.

Olivia pointedly ignored the comment and kept looking over her pages. Her heart beat a little faster at the clear annoyance of Amanda. She didn’t want her to be annoyed; she really didn’t. But how else was she supposed to handle the situation? Telling Amanda the truth wouldn’t do any good.

“Either way, we’ll find the answer in here. We’ve got, what, a few weeks until the trial?” Amanda hadn’t looked at the specific date.

“Yes. That is, if he doesn’t find some way to get it pushed back.” These men always found some loophole, some way to run out on taking responsibility for their own actions.

Amanda picked up the next paper in the file, an unusually large paragraph for a transcript on a voicemail.

> **_October 21th, 2018: 10:49 pm._ **
> 
> _Hi, my name is Ana. I believe that you’re the one who’s been dating my brother, Roger. I thought that you might be interested in knowing that he’s married. I know he never tells anyone who he’s interested in. You can meet me at the Amway Plaza in an hour. I’ll be there and so will he, coming from seeing another woman who is also not his wife. He’s been there three times this week and I’m pretty sure he meets the same person. I’m not interested in getting you in trouble, I just thought you might want to know the truth._

“Oh. A voicemail from Ana, the sister.” She exclaimed, sitting forward in her wooden chair which creaked beneath her, but still moving fast enough to show the paper. “She called Sarah and said to meet her at Amway because that’s where he would be. She said he was meeting someone, like he always did…”

Olivia took the paper from her and read it over for herself. “This is good, this is good. Was the message listened to?”

They quickly scanned the page for some kind of checked box or detail scrawled in the corner, and sure enough, they found a small  _read: 10:54pm_. at the bottom of the page. The Sargent pulled out her phone and glanced down at her contacts before promptly finding Nick’s. “Sarah was going to the hotel to meet the sister.”

“They knew each other?” Nick asked, sounds of a football game playing in the background of his call. So much for date night, Olivia scoffed.

“The sister called her and told her that he was meeting a third girl. I think his attack was premeditated and the sister noticed the pattern of him going to the hotel every day. Tell the mistress that he killed Ana to keep it a secret. We can get her on our side; she was already betrayed by Roger once.”   

* * *

 

It took an hour and a half for Sarah to confess that she saw Roger attacking a girl. Rather than doing anything, though it can’t be said whether or not she was in a state to do so, she ran. She ran out of a back alley and kept on moving, passing a dark blue BMW in the parking lot on her way out. That, as it turned out, was Ana, the sister of the Senator, ‘s car. She was able to place Roger and the sister at the scene of the crime.

Though even after the trial Ana’s body hadn’t been found, it felt like a small victory. From the Senator’s office, where he had run after ordering his men to take Ana away, they found plenty of forensic evidence. It was his mistake to leave his clothes in a bin beneath his desk, but it would have looked suspicious to burn them in his fireplace home. The conviction was over half-way against Roger, and Amanda and Olivia sat side-by-side in the courtroom.

It was the first case that they had solved together since they had “broken up”. For some reason, it made it a little easier for Amanda to let go of her anger. Yes, Olivia had handled things wrong, but so what? So what good would it do to argue about it now, as they sat here in the wooden stands, seeing a million more important things go by?

Sarah, the mistress, watched her fiancé get pushed away into the depths of the courthouse, where he would soon be moved from into prison. It was her own doing, and she cried the whole way, still sitting on his side of the stands. Olivia almost couldn’t believe that this was the woman who she had compared her feelings to. What that woman had was not love, but a blind dependence mixed with shock from witnessing a crime. If she hadn’t broken it off, if Olivia was still with Amanda, things wouldn’t be like that. Maybe it would still hurt to see Amanda go on dates every Friday night, but it wouldn’t have reduced her to tears in the middle of a dignified place. What made her want to cry--the only thing which made her want to cry--was the thought that even after this incredible win, sending a powerful and evil man off to his doom, they were going to be on such bad grounds.

She could live with Amanda not wanting her. She could. She could live with dissatisfaction and frustration over herself. What she could not deal with, though, was watching Amanda not understanding what had driven them to this point. If…if there was anything that Olivia owed her besides an apology, it was an explanation.

As they rushed themselves through the courthouse, heads held high as cameras flashed all around them and reporters yelled question after question about the fate of the Senator, they made their way for the cars. The second that they were in, Olivia had made up her mind.

“The other night we rushed out of your apartment so fast, I think I left my purse there.” She said.

Remnants of annoyance flared up in Amanda’s chest, but she pushed them aside. “You can come in and get them.”

They did just that, but this time it was not Olivia who was cold. The whole time that they made their way up to her apartment, Olivia standing behind Amanda as she put the key into the door, the blonde woman spared her no glance. They walked into the clean, warm room and Amanda turned to the side, removing her coat rather than acknowledging the fact that Olivia was in her apartment once again.

Olivia had to stall. She slowly walked over to where her purse was, spread out among the rest of the files, and opened it up to inspect it for anything which she knew wouldn’t be different. “I…I think that I owe you an apology.” She said, voice weak.

There was no emotional response, as she had heard when she planned it out in her head. Instead, Amanda scoffed. Yeah, Olivia owed her an apology, but today had been a long day. She wanted nothing more than to rest. “You can save yourself the time,” she muttered, “pretty sure apologizing is for adults.”

Olivia started. What? Was…was she serious? “I’m-I wanted to make things better. I was being immature before, you’re right. I should’ve been upfront with you, I just wasn’t sure how to.”

Finally Amanda turned around. “Oh, you weren’t sure how to tell me you just didn’t want sex anymore? You could’ve started by _not having sex with me_. Not kicking me out of your office in the middle of the night, Olivia. You acted like a damn third grader.” She spat, surprised to find that maybe there still was a little anger there. She wished she could feel as calm now as she had just moments ago. “Whatever.” She said. “Just…just take your purse and go.”

“You’re not even going to let me finish?”

Amanda took a step forward. “You’ve had plenty of time. It’s been weeks and you’ve made  _zero_  effort up until now to fix things between us; you’ve made it very clear how you feel about us.”

“But I haven’t-“

“Take your damned purse and leave, Olivia. I don’t want you here. I know that you just wanted to work, or just wanted to be with someone else, and I don’t care-“

“that’s not it at all-“

“I just want you gone.” Amanda said, nearly yelling. “We should never have gotten involved in the first place. You lost interest and now I’m paying the price.”

Olivia snapped. “That is not it! I didn’t lose interest, my priorities just changed.” She told her. “It wasn’t enough for me anymore, Amanda. It…how could I just watch you go out every night, knowing that I wish it were me? It…No, I’m not ready to be out, but it just hurt every time I watched you with someone else.” Her voice got quiet at the end.

Amanda had been watching, a few feet away, just waiting for her to finally leave, but…now? She…she had wanted it to be her? “You…what?”

“Nothing.” Olivia sighed. “I’ll just go-“ She threw her purse over her shoulder, tucking her hair behind her ear. How had she been so stupid as to come over here? Admitting it wouldn’t do anything. Clearly, there were still too many emotions involved for them to be able to talk it out-

“Wait,” Amanda’s hand caught her wrist. “That’s what this was about? You didn’t want me going out with other people?”

“I-“ Olivia shook her head. No, that wasn’t right. That sounded superficial and possessive. This was something else entirely. “I wanted to be with you in a way that wasn’t going to happen, so I ended it. I just…I didn’t handle it right, after. It hurt to see you,” she muttered. “You…you don’t get it.”

“Oh, I don’t get it? I was the one that you left, Olivia. You…you left me because you couldn’t have me? You were the one who said you wanted things to be just sex and no feelings. What happened to that?” They were standing just inches away, now. Amanda’s crystalline eyes were staring up into hers, searching for answers in any of her behavior. Olivia was too shy to meet her gaze.

“I don’t know when it changed, I just wanted to be with you more.”

“That’s not fair,” Amanda breathed. “What about what I wanted? I wanted to be with you, but you never asked me. You just…you just broke it off.” _You just didn’t consider me._  

Was it self-consciousness which led Olivia to assume that Amanda didn’t like her back? Was it from experience? Had there been someone else to previously hurt her? Amanda didn’t think so, but then again, they weren’t all that open with one another. It was just sex.

Before she knew what she was doing, their lips were pressed together. Amanda’s arms wrapped around Olivia’s waist and moved her back until her shoulder blades were against the kitchen cabinets. The sound of shuffling fabric filled the apartment as they fumbled their way into the bedroom. Though it had been too long since they’d been together here, the path was familiar to them.  _Lift your foot here, there’s a step. Right hand back, move the doorknob either way to get it open behind you. Never open your eyes, never interrupt the moment._

The windows, huge panes of glass with evening light filtering through so the room was bathed in pink light, were completely open, but neither woman paid any attention to it. It didn’t matter who saw, it only mattered that they were together.

These feelings, this rush of skin on skin, of electricity shooting through fingertips and going to the base of their wrists, of hair tangling as they switched positions, fighting for dominance, these feelings were what mattered. It had been far too long, yes. Cool sheets against Olivia’s back interrupted her thoughts, only to bring a hot sensation into the pit of her stomach. Everything was familiar, everything was safe.

They ignored every hesitation, every reason that they had to stop. All that they did was move. Hands in each other’s hair, Amanda straddling Olivia and breathing into her neck, each movement was beautiful. Had it really been so long since Amanda was sucking a mark into this very place in Olivia’s skin? For good measure, she didn’t stop. Where she would normally limit herself, stop the attack against the exposed neck before her, she kept on going until it was turned purple beneath her teeth.

Now only in their shirts, lace bras exposed to the cold air of the room--a window was open, but they couldn’t bother to care--Olivia flipped them over, pressing her face onto the flat, hard space between Amanda’s breasts. She cherished this moment, when she was protected from the outside world. Her head swirled under the sensation of Amanda all around her, Amanda underneath her. With strong fingers she dipped her hand below the other woman’s waistline and beneath her underwear, a rather boring, striped pair which Amanda wouldn’t have chosen if she had planned for it.

This was what Olivia had always wanted. This raw, unplanned, natural relationship. Where there was no preparing them, no planning ahead of time. She wanted to come home to Amanda every night, wanted to worship her body every chance that she got. Was this her chance? Was this her last chance to worship her?

Their actions were fast and rushed, driven by pure adrenaline and the need to be  _closer, closer._  As Olivia’s fingers found their way just where Amanda needed them, she let out a whine. She had missed this so badly. No one knew her like Olivia did. No one could understand just what she liked, just what she wanted. No one else accepted her like this, needy and falling apart. She didn’t need to be presentable, she just needed to be herself. She just needed to be open about what she needed.

“Ah. Like that, like that,” she chanted, throwing her head back against the pillow as Olivia explored her body, kisses being pressed into her skin. “Perfect…so good…” There were filthier things which they had said, but it wasn’t about that. As a coil of white hot heat gathered in her abdomen and she forgot all other concerns, she let Olivia’s name fly loose, a sign of the woman who had captured her in her entirety.

There was no one else for her, she knew. And God did it feel good to know that for once, for sure, Olivia wanted her back. She wanted her for more than this. Even though this was, in fact, good.

All clothes discarded on the floor, they laid together in their passion for the rest of the night, trading kisses and actions back and forth. At the end, Olivia threw herself back onto the bed, panting as sweat rolled down her collarbones. This was much better than rushing themselves in the darkness of her office. But, of course, that was what they were used to, wasn’t it?

Suddenly too aware of her voice being high pitched from her orgasm, she coughed slightly and mumbled out into the bedroom air, “i…I don’t want you to feel like this has to change anything. I know that it didn’t mean anything,”

All that Amanda could do was sigh, and give a sleepy smile. God, when would Olivia learn? “Did I say it meant nothing to me?”

Olivia hesitated. “What?”

Amanda sat up and wrapped the sheet around her shoulders, arranging it so that it covered her breasts and she could look at Olivia and prove she was serious. Her hair was tousled and her mascara had smeared at the corners, but she looked beautiful… “This didn’t mean nothing to me.” Amanda told her. “I…If you’d like, whether we have to hide or not, I want to be with you. I’d like to  _really_  be with you. I want more than forty-five minutes in your office; I want more than late nights and rushing through it all. I want every night. I… I want all of you.” Her words were from a place of crushing honesty. If she were rejected, she didn’t know what she’d do, but based on the slow, tentative nod coming from Olivia, they would be fine.

“I want to be with you. You really want this?’

“I do.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it! I appreciate any and all comments.
> 
> You can find me on [tumblr](http://starkmarks.tumblr.com/)


End file.
